Welcome to the AT Feed, a satirical mash-up of current climate news headlines, exaggerated AI interpretation, and pen-to-paper hand drawing.
(Almost) everything you need to know about current environmental news is (basically) here.
CBS News
CNBC
Fox News
Grist
The Guardian
The Hill
Inside Climate News
Los Angeles Times
National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA)
The New York Times
NPR
Politico
Science Daily
Yale Environment 360
April 16, 2025
Stunning New Plan to Reflect Sunlight Off Clouds: Totally Not a Supervillain Plot, Promise
In the latest episode of Earth, But Make It Absurd, humanity has officially thrown its weather-beaten towel into the void and decided to play Mad Libs with science, history, and the climate.
Let’s begin with shipping—because why not start with good news? Global leaders, likely in a Zoom meeting named “Save the Sea Plz,” announced a historic plan to force cargo ships to either reduce emissions or pay the “Oops Tax.” In response, the maritime industry said, “Sure, just let us fire up these 300-year-old coal engines real quick while we brainstorm.”
Meanwhile, back on land, toddlers’ brains are being scanned for signs of empathy, or at least a glimmer of hope they’ll be able to outsmart the coming onslaught of climate disasters. The results are inconclusive, but researchers suspect the toddlers are smarter than current energy policymakers.
Speaking of brains, a jawbone mysteriously dredged from the sea may belong to a long-lost human ancestor who, presumably, also tried to warn us not to drink shale runoff. But since we no longer listen to scientists—or whales, who keep washing ashore as bloated omens—this jawbone may as well scream into the fossil-fueled void.
At the intersection of science fiction and corporate PR, a biotech startup with a Game of Thrones fetish has cloned dire wolves and baby mammoths because, sure, that’s what the Ice Age was missing: venture capital. The mammoths were dissected, not for science, but because someone at a think tank asked, “Could these be weaponized against wildfires?”
Wildfires, by the way, are raging across the American West. But no worries—President Trump has fired hundreds of climate scientists and redirected their salaries to timber companies now authorized to chop down all of California’s national forests. “Trees are communism,” a man in a MAGA hat was overheard muttering at a press conference.
And what of the bees? They're being annihilated by climate change, pesticide cocktails, and, apparently, cryptocurrency memes. "Doge did this," whispered an exhausted entomologist from inside a scorched apiary. Asian hornets have also entered the chat, killing bees with precision drone-like strikes while Elon Musk lights up the sky with space spirals no one asked for.
In the UK, starlings have disappeared from gardens—possibly because the birds read the headlines and decided to self-deport. And in the jungles of Central America, researchers found an altar used for ancient child sacrifices, which frankly tracks with current U.S. energy policy.
As for policy: The White House has proposed cutting NOAA's budget so thoroughly that its new mission is “Just Look Outside.” Climate data will now be crowdsourced from toddlers and GoPro footage of sharktopuses—yes, that's a shark with an octopus on it, caught on camera and now running for mayor of Miami.
All this while the Northeast’s wind industry hangs by a thread, California farmers plead for tariffs to stop blowing up their markets, and the South Texas water table is being auctioned off like Beanie Babies at a flea market. Mexico is sending water north under threat of U.S. tariff apocalypse, which feels symbolic of everything.
Meanwhile, Trump, now an honorary fossil, has demanded allies buy more U.S. gas or face economic punishment, pushing fossil fuels like a retired oil baron with a multi-level marketing scheme. Senate Republicans have warned against repealing energy tax credits, not because they care about the planet, but because it might make them look soft on Big Wind.
But there’s still hope, flickering dimly like a solar panel under three feet of wildfire ash. Climate protests are working, research says. Massachusetts is testing a national model for home electrification. A plan to restore conservation lands from Maine to New Hampshire is quietly moving forward. And somewhere, a small town publican in Outback Australia is wiping mud from her bar and pouring drinks again.
Unfortunately, as the Arctic melts and thirstwaves loom, end-times fascism grows bolder. The Trump administration’s environmental policies aren’t just negligent—they’re necromantic. Legal experts say dismantling NOAA and gutting environmental research “makes no sense,” but sense was last seen riding a sharktopus into a rising tide.
As the clouds thicken—possibly brightened by deliberately injected particles meant to reflect sunlight, because that’s a real thing we’re doing now—one can only look to the stars. Where Jonny Kim, NASA’s resident overachiever, has docked with the ISS to do science we’re actively defunding.
Earth, we hardly knew ye. But at least we’ve got bitcoin-powered mammoths. End of transmission. Please recycle this article into an altar for childless, climate-conscious ancestors.
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Chatty Geppetto’s log for April 16, 2025:
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60 news headlines pulled from 15 different news sources via RSS on April 13, 2025. Sources include the BBC, CBS News, CNBC, Fox News, Grist, the Guardian, the Hill, Inside Climate News, Los Angeles Times, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA), the New York Times, NPR, Politico, Science Daily, and Yale Environment 360.
- 3 ChatGPT queries; estimated 6.6 g CO2e produced
- 28 MidJourney queries; estimated 53.2 g CO2e produced
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8 hours to create the mixed media drawing; estimated 14,664 g CO2e produced. This drawing was created on vellum-surfaced Bristol paper with a painted gouache base and layered with hand-drawn pen and ink hatching.
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3 hours to scan the original drawing and assemble and publish the digital post; estimated 93.75 g CO2e produced
Learn more about the AT Feed process »