AT FeedCurrent Environmental Headlines
Feed Overview

Welcome to the AT Feed, a satirical mash-up of current climate news headlines, exaggerated AI interpretation, and pen-to-paper hand drawing. 

(Almost) everything you need to know about current environmental news is (basically) here.

 BBC  

  CBS News  

  CNBC

Fox News

Grist  

The Guardian

The Hill

  Inside Climate News

Los Angeles Times

National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA)  

  The New York Times

NPR

Politico

Science Daily

Yale Environment 360


April 16, 2025


Stunning New Plan to Reflect Sunlight Off Clouds: Totally Not a Supervillain Plot, Promise


In the latest episode of Earth, But Make It Absurd, humanity has officially thrown its weather-beaten towel into the void and decided to play Mad Libs with science, history, and the climate.

Let’s begin with shipping—because why not start with good news? Global leaders, likely in a Zoom meeting named “Save the Sea Plz,” announced a historic plan to force cargo ships to either reduce emissions or pay the “Oops Tax.” In response, the maritime industry said, “Sure, just let us fire up these 300-year-old coal engines real quick while we brainstorm.”

Meanwhile, back on land, toddlers’ brains are being scanned for signs of empathy, or at least a glimmer of hope they’ll be able to outsmart the coming onslaught of climate disasters. The results are inconclusive, but researchers suspect the toddlers are smarter than current energy policymakers.

Speaking of brains, a jawbone mysteriously dredged from the sea may belong to a long-lost human ancestor who, presumably, also tried to warn us not to drink shale runoff. But since we no longer listen to scientists—or whales, who keep washing ashore as bloated omens—this jawbone may as well scream into the fossil-fueled void.

At the intersection of science fiction and corporate PR, a biotech startup with a Game of Thrones fetish has cloned dire wolves and baby mammoths because, sure, that’s what the Ice Age was missing: venture capital. The mammoths were dissected, not for science, but because someone at a think tank asked, “Could these be weaponized against wildfires?”

Wildfires, by the way, are raging across the American West. But no worries—President Trump has fired hundreds of climate scientists and redirected their salaries to timber companies now authorized to chop down all of California’s national forests. “Trees are communism,” a man in a MAGA hat was overheard muttering at a press conference.

And what of the bees? They're being annihilated by climate change, pesticide cocktails, and, apparently, cryptocurrency memes. "Doge did this," whispered an exhausted entomologist from inside a scorched apiary. Asian hornets have also entered the chat, killing bees with precision drone-like strikes while Elon Musk lights up the sky with space spirals no one asked for.

In the UK, starlings have disappeared from gardens—possibly because the birds read the headlines and decided to self-deport. And in the jungles of Central America, researchers found an altar used for ancient child sacrifices, which frankly tracks with current U.S. energy policy.

As for policy: The White House has proposed cutting NOAA's budget so thoroughly that its new mission is “Just Look Outside.” Climate data will now be crowdsourced from toddlers and GoPro footage of sharktopuses—yes, that's a shark with an octopus on it, caught on camera and now running for mayor of Miami.

All this while the Northeast’s wind industry hangs by a thread, California farmers plead for tariffs to stop blowing up their markets, and the South Texas water table is being auctioned off like Beanie Babies at a flea market. Mexico is sending water north under threat of U.S. tariff apocalypse, which feels symbolic of everything.

Meanwhile, Trump, now an honorary fossil, has demanded allies buy more U.S. gas or face economic punishment, pushing fossil fuels like a retired oil baron with a multi-level marketing scheme. Senate Republicans have warned against repealing energy tax credits, not because they care about the planet, but because it might make them look soft on Big Wind.

But there’s still hope, flickering dimly like a solar panel under three feet of wildfire ash. Climate protests are working, research says. Massachusetts is testing a national model for home electrification. A plan to restore conservation lands from Maine to New Hampshire is quietly moving forward. And somewhere, a small town publican in Outback Australia is wiping mud from her bar and pouring drinks again.

Unfortunately, as the Arctic melts and thirstwaves loom, end-times fascism grows bolder. The Trump administration’s environmental policies aren’t just negligent—they’re necromantic. Legal experts say dismantling NOAA and gutting environmental research “makes no sense,” but sense was last seen riding a sharktopus into a rising tide.

As the clouds thicken—possibly brightened by deliberately injected particles meant to reflect sunlight, because that’s a real thing we’re doing now—one can only look to the stars. Where Jonny Kim, NASA’s resident overachiever, has docked with the ISS to do science we’re actively defunding.

Earth, we hardly knew ye. But at least we’ve got bitcoin-powered mammoths. End of transmission. Please recycle this article into an altar for childless, climate-conscious ancestors.


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Chatty Geppetto’s log for April 16, 2025:
 
  • 60 news headlines pulled from 15 different news sources via RSS on April 13, 2025. Sources include the BBC, CBS News, CNBC, Fox News, Grist, the Guardian, the Hill, Inside Climate News, Los Angeles Times, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA), the New York Times, NPR, Politico, Science Daily, and Yale Environment 360.
  • 3 ChatGPT queries; estimated 6.6 g CO2e produced 
  • 28 MidJourney queries; estimated 53.2 g CO2e produced
  • 8 hours to create the mixed media drawing; estimated 14,664 g CO2e produced. This drawing was created on vellum-surfaced Bristol paper with a painted gouache base and layered with hand-drawn pen and ink hatching.
  • 3 hours to scan the original drawing and assemble and publish the digital post; estimated 93.75 g CO2e produced 


Learn more about the AT Feed process »



April 2, 2025


The EPA Just Gave Polluters a Shocking New Loophole—It’s Called ‘Email’


In an unprecedented yet entirely predictable turn of events, the planet continued its slow-motion collapse this week, as humanity once again flirted with environmental catastrophe while maintaining just enough optimism to keep the stock market afloat.

The energy industry was in rare form this week, as activist investors launched attacks on oil giants while simultaneously profiting from their rivals. Shell found itself in the crosshairs of Elliott Management, which took a short position in the company after doubling down on BP, proving once again that climate consciousness is best when it's also lucrative. Meanwhile, oil executives—while maintaining their well-documented affection for drilling—were caught in an anonymous survey begrudgingly admitting that Trump’s energy tariffs might be bad for business.

While the fossil fuel industry continues to shape academic research in its own favor, Congress is scouring the couch cushions for trillions in budget cuts. Spoiler: The oil industry's tax breaks are expected to remain untouched, despite their well-known role in funding the apocalypse.

Los Angeles surfers were left guessing what exactly was in the water this week as post-wildfire contaminants continued to flow freely into the Pacific, leading to concerns that the marine food chain is about to get a lot more "interesting." Meanwhile, England's sewage system set a new personal best with 3.6 million hours of spills in a single year, earning a polite nod of disapproval from government officials. Across the Atlantic, Trump rejected Mexico’s request for Colorado River water, because nothing says "international diplomacy" like dehydration.

Adding to the confusion, Utah became the first state to ban fluoride in public water, taking the bold stance that dental health is a conspiracy. Experts warn that this may be a gateway policy leading to bans on oxygen and other well-known deep-state chemicals.

As sea ice hit yet another record low, Londoners flocked to the theater to experience the climate crisis in the comfort of air-conditioned auditoriums. Meanwhile, the Southeastern U.S. prepared for a future of intensified wildfires, with one in eight Californians already residing in high-risk zones. In a move that redefines "expedited service," California suspended environmental laws to rebuild utilities destroyed by the very disasters those laws were designed to prevent.

Not to be outdone, the Biden administration found itself locked in a battle over climate funding, with a judge blocking Trump's attempts to reclaim $20 billion in grants for clean energy. However, with DOE projects facing cancellation and climate groups struggling to hold onto their hard-fought gains, it remains to be seen whether the green movement is winning or simply losing more slowly. Have a problem? Send an email.

On the brighter side, NOAA research is allegedly improving lives as we speak—unless, of course, its funding is slashed, in which case, good luck. New evidence on dark energy has scientists on the cusp of a breakthrough that may or may not involve rewriting the laws of physics. The Webb Telescope continued to stun researchers with images of exoplanets, as NASA’s latest lunar lander touched down with its fate still unknown.

Meanwhile, nuclear fusion—the holy grail of clean energy—remained on the horizon, eternally five to ten years away, much like true climate action. And in a rare intersection of humor and horror, an International Space Station crew member pranked a SpaceX team by pretending to be an alien, reminding everyone that space remains one of the last frontiers untouched by oil money.

As extreme weather raged on, Brisbane officials blocked fridge-sized community batteries, citing a loss of green space, leaving citizens to wonder whether having electricity was too high a price for aesthetics. At the same time, the global online shopping boom continued to strain local infrastructure, with New Yorkers realizing that, yes, their packages do, in fact, come at a price beyond two-day shipping.

And in Japan, the absence of ice on a sacred lake was interpreted as an ancient warning, but experts assured the public that as long as they continue consuming products, subscribing to loyalty programs, and ignoring long-term consequences, everything should remain just fine—at least until next quarter’s earnings report.

In conclusion, the world is burning, drowning, and running out of breath all at once, but rest assured, the financial markets remain bullish on disaster.


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Chatty Geppetto’s log for April 2, 2025:
 
  • 60 news headlines pulled from 15 different news sources via RSS on March 30, 2025. Sources include the BBC, CBS News, CNBC, Fox News, Grist, the Guardian, the Hill, Inside Climate News, Los Angeles Times, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA), the New York Times, NPR, Politico, Science Daily, and Yale Environment 360.
  • 4 ChatGPT queries; estimated 8.8 g CO2e produced 
  • 31 MidJourney queries; estimated 58.9 g CO2e produced
  • 6 hours to create the mixed media drawing; estimated 10,998 g CO2e produced. This drawing was created on vellum-surfaced Bristol paper with a painted gouache base and layered with hand-drawn pen and ink hatching.
  • 3 hours to scan the original drawing and assemble and publish the digital post; estimated 93.75 g CO2e produced 


Learn more about the AT Feed process »



March 19, 2025


Artificial Photosynthesis Could Save Us – If We Last That Long


In a week where the human race has simultaneously cracked the secret to fusion energy and watched a private lunar lander limp onto the Moon’s surface, it’s clear that humanity is riding high on its own cleverness — even as the planet beneath our feet slides toward chaos.

Let’s start in the heavens, because that’s where the billionaires want us to look. A SpaceX capsule docked with the International Space Station this week, as astronauts prepared to return after nine months in orbit. A NASA astronaut played a prank on the SpaceX team during the rendezvous, pretending to have made "first contact" with aliens — a joke that might hit a little too close to home for anyone watching the news lately. Meanwhile, Mars’ rusty hue may be linked to a habitable past, prompting the inevitable question: Will we ruin Mars, too, if we ever make it there?

But the real action isn’t in space — it’s here on Earth, where the Trump administration’s "deal of the century" with mining companies has triggered an environmental cascade. Trump's EPA, now essentially a customer service desk for the oil and gas industry, has moved to roll back dozens of climate regulations. That includes loosening chemical safety rules and gutting the environmental review process for energy projects. Even California, Arizona, and Nevada — no strangers to political disagreements — have united in demanding that the administration fix a critical Colorado River dam before the water crisis spirals further.

And yet, America’s clean-energy industry is growing — despite the federal government’s best efforts to choke it. Florida has become a solar superpower, while Gaza’s recovery is pinned on solar power as well. African solar installations are set for a record year. Unfortunately, rooftop solar in Wyoming was a casualty of a failed political coalition — but lawmakers swear they’ll try again.

Back in the oil fields, Big Oil executives are feeling a little queasy. They backed Trump’s energy boom, but his erratic tariff policies have sent gold soaring above $3,000 and left oil investors jittery. Line 5, a Trump donor, is profiting off a controversial pipeline deal that threatens to pollute fragile ecosystems. And in Texas, oil executives gathered beneath a cloud of bravado and quiet panic.

Meanwhile, the environment fights back. Thousands of fish died in cyclone-hit northern rivers as blackwater choked out oxygen. Coral reefs are under assault from acidifying oceans — though a team of scientists armed with new buoys and an underwater "doorbell" are trying to track the coral-eating fish responsible for some of the damage. Scientists are also monitoring smoke from wildland-urban interface fires — which, it turns out, is even more toxic than smoke from remote wildfires.

Volcanoes are restless too. Scientists warn that a volcano near Alaska’s largest city could erupt soon. And while severe weather in Tornado Alley is expected to shift into new territories this year, coastal cities are grappling with rising seas and crumbling infrastructure. In Egypt’s historic Alexandria, ancient buildings are disintegrating under the pressure of encroaching tides. Pacific Island nations face mounting water insecurity, while scientists in Los Angeles have discovered that cooking emissions rival fossil fuels as a source of ozone pollution.

And then there's the fusion breakthrough — unlocking the power of the stars. Scientists are thrilled. Politicians are confused. Oil companies are pretending it didn’t happen. But while fusion could provide unlimited clean energy in the future, right now America can’t even keep its environmental data safe. The Trump administration continues to purge climate records and research, leaving scientists scrambling to preserve what they can.

Even in chaos, some humanity remains. A Colombian conservationist continues his fight to protect pink river dolphins. Chicago is trying new approaches to manage toxic PFAS pollution. Atlanta mosques are working to reduce food waste during Ramadan. Greenpeace — which once fought to save the whales — is now fighting to save itself.

Still, the bigger story remains political. Elon Musk is reshaping the electric vehicle market, fueling speculation about whether Trump and Musk can convince conservatives to embrace Teslas. (MAGA Teslas? Stranger things have happened.) And David Sacks, fresh off selling $200 million in crypto-related holdings, just walked into a White House job — raising a few eyebrows and more than a few ethics questions.

In the end, it’s hard to tell whether we’re on the verge of salvation or collapse. Mauna Loa Observatory’s lease is on the brink of expiration thanks to NOAA budget cuts, leaving one of the planet’s most important climate monitoring stations in limbo. Trump’s EPA has launched an attack on the "holy grail" of climate science — and scientists sticking with the IPCC are finding themselves increasingly isolated.

But maybe there’s a spark of hope. Artificial photosynthesis is showing promise as a way to capture CO2. Toxic mining waste might even help scrub carbon from the atmosphere. Perhaps the real question isn’t whether we can save the planet — but whether we’ll stop looking at the stars long enough to try.


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Chatty Geppetto’s log for March 19, 2025:
 
  • 60 news headlines pulled from 15 different news sources via RSS on March 16, 2025. Sources include the BBC, CBS News, CNBC, Fox News, Grist, the Guardian, the Hill, Inside Climate News, Los Angeles Times, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA), the New York Times, NPR, Politico, Science Daily, and Yale Environment 360.
  • 4 ChatGPT queries; estimated 8.8 g CO2e produced 
  • 26 MidJourney queries; estimated 49.4 g CO2e produced
  • 12 hours to create the mixed media drawing; estimated 21,996 g CO2e produced. This drawing was created on vellum-surfaced Bristol paper with a painted gouache base and layered with hand-drawn pen and ink hatching.
  • 3 hours to scan the original drawing and assemble and publish the digital post; estimated 93.75 g CO2e produced 


Learn more about the AT Feed process »



March 5, 2025


National Park Rangers Fight Back Against Layoffs—Who Will Defend the Wild Now?


The world is burning, freezing, flooding, and occasionally being pelted by cars-turned-space-rocks, but fear not—our leaders are taking bold action, mainly by cutting funding and laying off scientists. With environmental crises multiplying faster than AI-generated stock predictions, let’s take a moment to appreciate the chaotic symphony of our times.

Scientists have confirmed that Mars’ red hue might be linked to a once-habitable past, but here on Earth, Greenland’s sled dogs are slipping through puddles that used to be ice. Meanwhile, the UK is experiencing the delightful paradox of getting colder thanks to global warming, a twist so ironic it could melt even the most cynical climate scientist’s heart—if only funding for climate science hadn’t been slashed.

Speaking of melting, Blue Ghost, a private lunar lander, just touched down on the moon carrying equipment for NASA, presumably to help humans escape Earth once we’ve completely trashed it. Meanwhile, a newly discovered asteroid has turned out to be—wait for it—a Tesla Roadster, meaning the cosmos is now officially cluttered with Elon Musk’s discarded toys. NASA assures us that asteroid 2024 YR4 no longer poses a threat to Earth, but another one might hit in 2032. Mark your calendars for potential doomsday, or at least for another billionaire to offer a subscription-based solution.

Back home, beavers have been given the green light for release in England, a rare win for nature—though it remains unclear whether they will be expected to pay congestion charges. Not so lucky are mother orca and son, still lost in the Mediterranean, where they apparently “don’t belong.” In more cheerful extinction news, Venezuela’s opposition leader is celebrating Trump’s cancellation of oil licenses, paving the way for even more drilling and destruction. Birds and narwhals continue to breathe in dangerous plastics, but at least drone footage confirms the latter are having a great time poking things with their tusks.

The U.S. solar and battery market is headed for a record year, thanks in part to cheap Chinese panels flooding the market, while clean tech investments boom in deeply Republican territories. Meanwhile, Dominion Energy has secured state approval for a liquified natural gas storage facility in Virginia, because if we’re going to keep the heating on while the windows are open in NYC winters, we need all the gas we can get. Over in Florida, a legal battle rages over a proposal to build a road with radioactive waste, proving that when it comes to infrastructure, we are all just one bad decision away from becoming our own science experiment.

While scientists are making groundbreaking discoveries—like linking a gene to the emergence of spoken language (which, if we're lucky, will help politicians communicate actual climate policies)—others are being shown the door. NOAA firings are sparking fears of long-term damage to weather forecasting, Colorado Democrats are calling for investigations, and Trump’s EPA is diligently working to delete any record that greenhouse gases are harmful. Meanwhile, in California, the snowpack is vanishing, the wildfires are worsening, and lawmakers are still debating whether to expedite rules that could’ve helped.

Despite all this, some people still insist on fighting for the planet. Park rangers are battling Australians digging for rare earth minerals in the Mojave, Vermont is desperately clinging to its climate ambitions, and Wyoming tribes are pushing back against the state’s plan to ship their water elsewhere. Across the globe, nations have salvaged a last-minute funding deal to reverse wildlife decline, and coral restoration efforts are getting smarter with new ‘omics strategies.

As we hurtle toward an uncertain future, at least we can count on some things: billionaires launching trash into space, politicians denying science, and the occasional fossilized vomit discovery to remind us just how long the Earth has been surviving without us. Cheers to another year of innovative destruction!


゜゜・⋆｡°✩ ⋆⁺｡⋆˚｡⁺⋆ ✩°｡⋆・゜゜
Chatty Geppetto’s log for March 5, 2025:
 
  • 60 news headlines pulled from 15 different news sources via RSS on March 3, 2025. Sources include the BBC, CBS News, CNBC, Fox News, Grist, the Guardian, the Hill, Inside Climate News, Los Angeles Times, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA), the New York Times, NPR, Politico, Science Daily, and Yale Environment 360.
  • 6 ChatGPT queries; estimated 13.2 g CO2e produced 
  • 21 MidJourney queries; estimated 39.9 g CO2e produced
  • 10 hours to create the mixed media drawing; estimated 18,330 g CO2e produced. This drawing was created on vellum-surfaced Bristol paper with a painted gouache base and layered with hand-drawn pen and ink hatching.
  • 3 hours to scan the original drawing and assemble and publish the digital post; estimated 93.75 g CO2e produced 


Learn more about the AT Feed process »



February 19, 2025


Trump’s Next Target? Your Appliances. Here’s Why Your Light Bulb is ‘Woke’


In a bold step toward a more chaotic, market-driven future, the world has officially bid farewell to its last sliver of sea ice, welcoming the newly dubbed "Arctic Investment Zone," now open for offshore drilling and killer whale real estate speculation. Scientists lament the loss of crucial climate buffers, but investors are already eyeing the untapped fossil fuel reserves below what was once frozen wilderness. "It’s a real win-win," said one energy executive. "We get more oil, and the whales get a warm vacation."

Meanwhile, bogs—the Earth's unsung carbon heroes—continue to be drained at an alarming rate, despite their ability to sequester carbon more effectively than political promises. While researchers warn that disrupting these ecosystems could accelerate climate collapse, a new EPA initiative—ironically titled "Bogs to Bricks"—proposes paving over wetlands to create more affordable housing for climate refugees.

NASA, seemingly one of the last institutions still concerned with the survival of the species, has captured images of "mother-of-pearl" clouds on Mars. The shimmering alien sky serves as a reminder of what Earth's atmosphere used to look like before the combustion engine turned it into an oil-slicked soup. "If nothing else, we now have some very photogenic places to flee to," a NASA spokesperson noted optimistically.

Meanwhile, a newly discovered asteroid on a collision course with Earth turned out to be a Tesla Roadster still orbiting the sun. "It’s a bit disappointing," said one astronomer, "but at least it’s proof that we can still throw junk into space—just maybe not keep it from falling back down."

Despite growing demand for renewable energy, former President Donald Trump has waged war on wind turbines, arguing they pose a national security risk to golf courses and migratory golf carts. His renewed campaign against "the bird-killing monstrosities" coincides with yet another funding freeze on climate research, leaving scientists scrambling for private donors or considering side hustles as astrologers.

Meanwhile, the West Coast prepares for another year of record-breaking wildfires, exacerbated by reduced federal fire prevention funding and rollbacks on safety regulations. "It’s fine," said one California official, "because insurance companies are simply opting out of covering homes altogether. If you can’t rebuild, you can’t lose."

A groundbreaking study has revealed that brake pad emissions can be more toxic than diesel exhaust, proving that even stopping is bad for the planet. Environmentalists are calling for a new form of transportation that involves neither brakes nor fossil fuels, while Elon Musk has proposed launching all cars directly into orbit to avoid pollution altogether.

At the same time, residents of Louisiana’s Cancer Alley brace for regulatory rollbacks that could lead to a spike in pollution-related illnesses. "It is going to be terrible," one senior resident said, before being interrupted by a spokesperson from the American Petroleum Institute who assured them that deregulation would actually be "good for jobs."

As climate disasters intensify, migrant workers in the UK have begun voicing concerns about exploitative farm conditions, while in Panama, economic pressures threaten to erase entire ways of life. On the geopolitical stage, Ukraine has attempted to woo Trump back into its good graces by offering access to its mineral reserves—because apparently, rare earth metals speak louder than democracy.

Back in Washington, Senate Republicans are gearing up to dismantle Biden’s clean energy rules, arguing that "solar panels are a gateway to socialism." Trump leads the way, vowing to undo Biden’s light bulb, showerhead, and toilet rules. Meanwhile, mayors across the country have begged Congress not to repeal clean energy tax credits, in a rare instance of local officials uniting over something other than pothole complaints.

The coming months promise further existential threats, from H5N1 outbreaks to railroad commissions approving more toxic waste disposal. As Russia’s war continues to drive up emissions and researchers confirm we will breach the 1.5-degree warming threshold, the question isn’t "Can we stop this?" but "How quickly can we adapt to our Mad Max future?"

NASA has finalized a long-term strategy for human presence in space, an announcement that might as well be subtitled "Plan B." With Earth's future increasingly resembling a dystopian fever dream, one thing is certain: whoever holds the last bucket of clean water wins. Stay tuned.


゜゜・⋆｡°✩ ⋆⁺｡⋆˚｡⁺⋆ ✩°｡⋆・゜゜
Chatty Geppetto’s log for February 19, 2025:
 
  • 60 news headlines pulled from 15 different news sources via RSS on February 16, 2025. Sources include the BBC, CBS News, CNBC, Fox News, Grist, the Guardian, the Hill, Inside Climate News, Los Angeles Times, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA), the New York Times, NPR, Politico, Science Daily, and Yale Environment 360.
  • 4 ChatGPT queries; estimated 8.8 g CO2e produced 
  • 13 MidJourney queries; estimated 24.7 g CO2e produced
  • 10 hours to create the mixed media drawing; estimated 18,330 g CO2e produced. This drawing was created on vellum-surfaced Bristol paper with a painted gouache base and layered with hand-drawn pen and ink hatching.
  • 3 hours to scan the original drawing and assemble and publish the digital post; estimated 93.75 g CO2e produced 


Learn more about the AT Feed process »




February 5, 2025


The EPA Just Fired Its Scientists—Who Needs Science, Anyway?


In a thrilling twist of irony, the United Kingdom—historically renowned for its mild and perpetually damp climate—may soon experience colder temperatures thanks to global warming. Yes, as ocean currents wobble like a tipsy reveler, scientists warn that Britain could be plunged into a deep freeze, giving its aviation and farming industries an excuse to continue business as usual, since the UK’s latest climate plan politely sidesteps the need to impose targets on these sectors.

Meanwhile, farmers reeling from a bird flu panic are calling for a vaccine plan, while scientists studying sled dogs’ reaction to daylight savings time consider this a top research priority. Critics argue that perhaps a little more attention should be paid to the world’s biggest iceberg, which is currently cruising toward an Antarctic island filled with unsuspecting penguins like a villain in a disaster film.

Speaking of disasters, Wall Street insists that investors remain calm despite Trump’s latest tariff threats, which may or may not include oil because, as he put it, “oil has nothing to do with it as far as I’m concerned.” Chevron, ever the diplomat, has decided to rename the Gulf of Mexico the “Gulf of America” in an earnings release. Meanwhile, oil giant Shell, in the spirit of unwavering corporate optimism, raised its dividends despite missing profit targets. One can only admire such confidence.

In a cosmic plot twist, a newly discovered asteroid was revealed to be none other than the Tesla Roadster launched into space years ago. Scientists, still reeling from this revelation, also uncovered asteroid samples offering clues about the origins of life, while a backyard dig in New York yielded a complete mastodon jaw—further proof that sometimes, history literally resurfaces in unexpected places. In another thrilling archaeological development, an amateur fossil hunter discovered 66-million-year-old vomit, inspiring a new branch of paleontological study: regurgitation archaeology.

The climate crisis continues to manifest in unexpected ways. Surging rat populations in heated cities have experts deeply concerned, while great white sharks are inexplicably washing up dead in Canada with swollen brains. Fire chiefs warn that the UK is unprepared for climate crisis impacts, but the British government appears too busy expanding airports and dodging climate targets to take notice. Meanwhile, California lawmakers scramble to expedite fire prevention rules that could have mitigated previous infernos. Wildfire experts have released a seven-step guide to protecting Los Angeles, which many assume will be ignored in favor of prayer and wishful thinking.

On the political front, Trump’s latest climate spending freeze has stalled projects, and his rumored plans to shut down FEMA are facing resistance even from his own party. Meanwhile, the EPA has fired its science advisers (science being so inconvenient, after all), and the USDA has been ordered to scrub climate change from its websites. Over in El Salvador, exonerated environmental defenders face retrial for murder, proving once again that justice and irony often go hand in hand.

Internationally, African nations are eyeing the first-ever joint ‘debt-for-nature’ swap, and small island nations are uniting for debt relief ahead of climate talks. While the UN-backed banking group scrambles to prevent climate-conscious investors from jumping ship, Norway celebrates an electric-vehicle milestone, proving that at least one country is still trying to save the planet. Meanwhile, California remains bullish on EV trucks despite opposition, and Vermont braces for a potential rollback in its climate ambitions.

In water news, Wyoming tribes are pushing back against the state’s plan to divert their reservation water to outside irrigators, a development that has sparked tensions in a region already battling over natural resources. Over in Maui, a post-wildfire housing crisis serves as a grim warning for Los Angeles, while New York fights to protect its wetlands, and nearly 300 trout were heroically rescued from the Palisades fire. The South Bronx, still grappling with pollution issues, is bracing for potential congestion pricing fallout, while scientists ponder whether atmospheric changes are influencing ocean weather.

And finally, in this week’s roundup of unexpected delights, an elusive, palm-sized shrew has been caught on camera for the first time, and archaeologists have discovered an ‘altar tent’ that places Islamic art at the heart of medieval Christianity. Meanwhile, NASA finalizes its human space presence strategy, and orbiter photos confirm that lunar modules from the first moon landings are, indeed, still there.

All in all, it’s been a busy week for planet Earth. Whether we make it to next week’s headlines is anyone’s guess.


゜゜・⋆｡°✩ ⋆⁺｡⋆˚｡⁺⋆ ✩°｡⋆・゜゜
Chatty Geppetto’s log for February 5, 2025:
 
  • 56 news headlines pulled from 14 different news sources via RSS on February 2, 2025. Sources include the BBC, CBS News, CNBC, Fox News, Grist, the Guardian, Inside Climate News, Los Angeles Times, the New York Times, NPR, Politico, Reuters, Science Daily, and the US Department of State
  • 3 ChatGPT queries; estimated 6.6 g CO2e produced 
  • 9 MidJourney queries; estimated 17.1 g CO2e produced
  • 10 hours to create the mixed media drawing; estimated 18,330 g CO2e produced. This drawing was created on vellum-surfaced Bristol paper with a painted gouache base and layered with hand-drawn pen and ink hatching.
  • 3 hours to scan the original drawing and assemble and publish the digital post; estimated 93.75 g CO2e produced 


Learn more about the AT Feed process »




January 22, 2025


Wildfire Capital of the World: Inside L.A.'s Fiery Apocalypse


In a bold move to redefine what’s left of the 21st century, humanity has officially launched its most ambitious venture yet: Earth, Inc.—a global collaboration to simultaneously destroy, rebuild, and profit off the only known habitable planet in the universe. Shareholders include climate scientists, hedge funds, billionaires, and at least one mastodon jaw found in a New York backyard.

The mission statement? "Dark oxygen on other worlds, pink fire retardant here, and jaw-dropping Iron Age discoveries everywhere else."

With NASA’s astronaut “venturing outside” their stuck spacecraft, and SpaceX’s Starship now firmly grounded after an explosive test flight, humanity’s aspirations to flee Earth continue to sparkle like a star (or a burning Tesla battery). The Artemis Accords, signed by Thailand this week, promise a bright future of international collaboration—provided we can get off the launchpad before climate-induced economic collapse makes fuel unaffordable.

Meanwhile, India braces for an “oil shock,” Greenland’s melting ice fuels a mineral gold rush, and scientists marvel at lunar module photos—proof that we can leave junk everywhere, not just in orbit.

In Los Angeles, where wildfires and art studios burn with equal fervor, the smog-filled air tastes of charred ambition and oxidized methane. Residents debate whether the air quality index still means anything as they dodge fire retardant-pink neighborhoods and scramble for insurance against the county’s most expensive wildfires to date.

But hope isn’t entirely extinguished. Tongva leaders credit traditional fire mitigation practices for sparing parts of their ancestral lands, while artists vow to rebuild Altadena studios with “Wild West” grit. "The birds are back," someone murmurs, staring into the smoke-filled abyss.

Joe Biden, America’s first climate president, exits stage left with an incomplete legacy, leaving Trump poised to declare a national energy emergency on Day One. Expect coal-powered AI and the end of Musk’s climate credits as Trump doubles down on his vow to target scientists.

Still, not everyone is playing villain. African nations and small islands propose debt-for-nature swaps, while U.S. peatlands, once drained and dried, may soon serve as carbon sinks. The Treasury is even earmarking water firm fines for sewage cleanup, and Biden’s stricter EPA standards could finally make air pollution “blind spots” less invisible.

Not all innovations are created equal. While researchers explore native plants’ potential to combat road salt pollution and study past hurricanes to reduce future risk, skeptics pan methane oxidation tech as unhelpful to the climate crisis. But hey, at least we’ve finalized our strategy for a human presence in space.

The “once-in-a-century” discovery of Pompeii’s opulence serves as a haunting parallel to our own gilded collapse. Luxury and ruin, hand in hand—a fitting metaphor for Greenland’s gold rush and L.A.’s charred mansions.

As schools burn, aid groups at the border brace for Trump’s policies, and actuaries warn of a 50% economic contraction from climate shocks, humanity faces the question: rebuild or retreat? Some say the “net zero hero” myth places too much blame on individuals, while others see hope in collective action.

But one thing’s clear: there’s no place that’s truly safe. Whether we’re sifting through wildfire ruins or staring at the stars, Earth, Inc. reminds us of our universal truth: when everything’s on fire, someone’s always selling tickets to the show.


゜゜・⋆｡°✩ ⋆⁺｡⋆˚｡⁺⋆ ✩°｡⋆・゜゜
Chatty Geppetto’s log for January 22, 2025:
 
  • 56 news headlines pulled from 14 different news sources via RSS on January 19, 2025. Sources include the BBC, CBS News, CNBC, Fox News, Grist, the Guardian, Inside Climate News, Los Angeles Times, the New York Times, NPR, Politico, Reuters, Science Daily, and the US Department of State
  • 3 ChatGPT queries; estimated 6.6 g CO2e produced 
  • 8 MidJourney queries; estimated 15.2 g CO2e produced
  • 11 hours to create the mixed media drawing; estimated 20,163 g CO2e produced. This drawing was created on vellum-surfaced Bristol paper with a painted gouache base and layered with hand-drawn pen and ink hatching.
  • 3 hours to scan the original drawing and assemble and publish the digital post; estimated 93.75 g CO2e produced 


Learn more about the AT Feed process »



January 8, 2025


Northern Lights Over America: A Rare Beauty in a Burning World


 In a world where whales mourn their dead, crocodiles have PR crises, and climate victories are celebrated with the fervor of a pizza party in Montana, humanity’s environmental escapades continue to reach new, surreal heights. Let’s dive into the kaleidoscopic mess, shall we?

First up, a bereaved whale was spotted pushing its dead calf through increasingly polluted waters—perhaps trying to tell us, "Your plastic-filled oceans aren't cutting it!" Meanwhile, Australia, famed for koalas and terrifying spiders, grapples with whether its crocodiles deserve protection or a “limited-edition handbag” status.

Over in Sweden, green industry dreams are being punctured by corporate woes at Northvolt, leaving sustainability cheerleaders sighing louder than the exhaust of a gas-guzzling SUV. Across the North Sea, Trump has weighed in on Britain’s windfall tax on oil producers, calling it a “big mistake.” Because, obviously, nothing says “pro-environment” like defending Big Oil.

But not all hope is lost. Scientists identified new species, including the "blob-headed fish."  Who knew the poster child for 2024 biodiversity would look like something Pixar rejected? Meanwhile, Montana youth won a landmark climate lawsuit, proving that even TikTok-savvy teens can take on carbon-emitting dinosaurs—both literal and metaphorical.

Elsewhere, NASA is busy finalizing plans for a human presence in space. Maybe they're hedging bets on Earth becoming uninhabitable? They’ve even managed to revive Voyager 1—because the only thing we seem to communicate better with than each other is a 46-year-old spacecraft 15 billion miles away.

Back on the ground, Southern California is parched after eight rainless months, but don’t worry: AI promises to revolutionize weather forecasting, perhaps predicting when California will officially turn into Mad Max territory. Meanwhile, Cedar Key, Florida, reevaluates its future after three hurricanes in 13 months. Apparently, living on a sinking island during a climate crisis is no longer as charming as it once seemed.

Carbon storage is all the rage in Louisiana and Texas, where developers are eyeing offshore spots to bury humanity's sins—er, CO2. But agricultural burning bans in the San Joaquin Valley may mean farmers will finally stop barbecuing the atmosphere.

Speaking of cooking, coffee prices are soaring again. Why? Because climate change loves nothing more than ruining your Monday mornings. And while Biden is working to block offshore drilling, House Republicans pledge to unleash the drill parade like it’s prom night.

Meanwhile, in the U.K., the “biggest-ever dinosaur footprint site” has been unearthed. It’s unclear whether this discovery will help us learn about extinction or inspire a Jurassic Park sequel where humanity goes extinct instead.

And then there’s the black moon tonight, ushering in a dark, foreboding vibe, just as the Northern Lights might grace parts of the U.S. As if the cosmos itself is trolling us with its "light show at the end of days" aesthetic.

On a lighter note, Jimmy Carter’s conservation legacy still holds up, showing that even a peanut farmer from Georgia can leave behind an environmental blueprint. Meanwhile, African nations are pioneering debt-for-nature swaps, reminding wealthier countries that sometimes the most innovative solutions come from those with the least.

Oh, and did we mention a New York homeowner found a mastodon jaw in their backyard? Just another gentle reminder from history that Earth has seen many species come and go. Which category will humans fall into? The fossil record remains undecided.

So, as humanity battles raging wildfires, underwater cemeteries of plastic, and a worsening divide over climate policy, we’re left wondering: will our collective antics be remembered as a cautionary tale or a cosmic joke? Stay tuned for next week’s headlines, where another blob-headed fish might have a better plan than we do.


゜゜・⋆｡°✩ ⋆⁺｡⋆˚｡⁺⋆ ✩°｡⋆・゜゜
Chatty Geppetto’s log for January 8, 2025:
 
  • 56 news headlines pulled from 14 different news sources via RSS on January 5, 2025. Sources include the BBC, CBS News, CNBC, Fox News, Grist, the Guardian, Inside Climate News, Los Angeles Times, the New York Times, NPR, Politico, Reuters, Science Daily, and the US Department of State
  • 3 ChatGPT queries; estimated 6.6 g CO2e produced 
  • 4 MidJourney queries; estimated 7.6 g CO2e produced
  • 6 hours to create the mixed media drawing; estimated 11,000 g CO2e produced. This drawing was created on vellum-surfaced Bristol paper with a painted gouache base and layered with hand-drawn pen and ink hatching.
  • 3 hours to scan the original drawing and assemble and publish the digital post; estimated 93.75 g CO2e produced 


Learn more about the AT Feed process »



January 1, 2025


Blobfish Found While Earth Burns: 2024 in a Nutshell


It’s official: the world has entered its midlife crisis, and 2024 is the sports car and questionable tattoo phase. Between burning piers, blob-headed fish, and a Goldilocks zone for DNA (whatever that means), humanity has spent the year redefining chaos.

Let’s start with the headliners: Earth decided to throw itself a roasting party, capping off the hottest years on record with a heatwave that turned sidewalks into frying pans. Farmers, piers, and anyone who dared step outside were left wondering if sunscreen could double as armor. Meanwhile, a NASA probe kissed the Sun for the closest-ever solar smooch, possibly hoping to negotiate better temperatures. Spoiler alert: it didn’t work.

But fear not—climate justice warriors have been hard at work. North Carolina’s activists are bracing for the Trump 2.0 storm, while African nations have proposed a “debt-for-nature” swap, effectively turning loan sharks into tree huggers. Even small islands are teaming up to fight rising seas, though their opponents, namely energy firms pursuing Mozambique projects despite massacres, seem less inclined to play fair.

Speaking of massacres, Florida’s officials and communities are waging war over the nation’s largest trash incinerator. Trash meets fire in a state already ablaze with controversy—what could go wrong? Meanwhile, in California, droughts are putting hydropower to shame, piers are succumbing to climate change, and valley fever cases are surging. Apparently, even fungi have decided to join the chaos.

On the bright side, there’s always space. NASA, undeterred by Earth’s tantrums, finalized its strategy for human presence in space, potentially offering a backup planet for when this one gives up. Interstellar Voyager 1 also resumed operations, reminding us that humanity can occasionally fix things, as long as they’re billions of miles away.

Back on the ground, scientists are discovering new species faster than we can destroy their habitats. Highlights include the blob-headed fish and a baby orca born to the mother who famously carried her dead calf for 17 days. Monkeys continue to outwit us by recognizing snakes faster than we can spot irony in the news.

Meanwhile, Jimmy Carter’s conservation legacy serves as a poignant reminder that political leaders can actually care about the planet. Contrast that with energy firms lobbying for ethanol models and Trump-era deregulations, proving once again that progress is optional when profits are on the line.

Even the tech giants are getting involved. Microsoft, Google, and Amazon are betting big on nuclear power, perhaps hoping to power their AI overlords while saving the world in the process. AI demand has already sent power stocks soaring, prompting some to wonder if the machines will take over before or after we drown in rising seas.

As we bid farewell to the “mini moon” asteroid and welcome dazzling celestial shows, it’s clear that 2024 has been a year of extremes—extreme heat, extreme discoveries, and extreme absurdity. Whether the future holds salvation or just more blobfish, one thing’s certain: we’ll be here, watching, reporting, and sweating profusely.

Here’s to 2025. May it be cooler in every sense of the word.


゜゜・⋆｡°✩ ⋆⁺｡⋆˚｡⁺⋆ ✩°｡⋆・゜゜
Chatty Geppetto’s log for January 1, 2025:
 
  • 56 news headlines pulled from 14 different news sources via RSS on December 30. Sources include the BBC, CBS News, CNBC, Fox News, Grist, the Guardian, Inside Climate News, Los Angeles Times, the New York Times, NPR, Politico, Reuters, Science Daily, and the US Department of State
  • 3 ChatGPT queries; estimated 6.6 g CO2e produced 
  • 7 MidJourney queries; estimated 13.3 g CO2e produced
  • 6 hours to create the mixed media drawing; estimated 11,000 g CO2e produced. This drawing was created on vellum-surfaced Bristol paper with a painted gouache base and layered with hand-drawn pen and ink hatching.
  • 3 hours to scan the original drawing and assemble and publish the digital post; estimated 93.75 g CO2e produced 


Learn more about the AT Feed process »



December 18, 2024


AI-Powered Oil Rigs and Toxic Water: Welcome to Tomorrowland!


As the world spirals in a chaotic vortex of innovation, disaster, and the occasional glowing sea slug, the biggest iceberg on record has decided to head north for a vacation—because who wouldn’t flee after breaking free from Earth's polar torment? Meanwhile, in Glen Affric, the plucky Highland beaver prepares to reenter society, blissfully unaware it’s stepping into a world where toxic “forever chemicals” now taint even the purest drinking water, miles from known sources.

In the depths of California, while residents sip their carcinogenic cocktails, Big Oil and Big Tech join hands, creating an unholy matrimony to power AI data centers with offshore oil rigs. "It’s not dystopia," they insist, "it’s synergy!" Critics might argue that this synergy comes at the expense of melting Arctic tundras now emitting greenhouse gases, but hey, who has time for science when the stock market promises a 20% upside?

Over in Malibu, wildfires have reshaped the landscape into a perfect set for the next disaster film. Ski resorts facing low snowfall are doubling down on survival with their "Hail Mary" bets, while Canada’s Indigenous communities wrestle with whether the newfound riches of gas extraction are worth the old anxieties they reignite. As the Santa Monica Mountains prepare to burn again, California’s gas ban edges closer to reality, leaving Big Oil scrambling to squeeze in their final wishes for deregulation before the next climate-denying administration hits the scene.

NASA, meanwhile, offers us a brief cosmic escape. After reuniting with its long-lost Voyager 1 using ancient technology (probably last seen on floppy disks), it proudly paraded images of America’s literal “city under the ice,” abandoned decades ago by the military. But NASA doesn’t stop there; it's hunting glowing sea slugs in the midnight zone, imagining food for Martian colonies, and preparing us for the return of a mini-moon asteroid in 2055. The message? Space is bleak, but Earth might be bleaker.

On the ground, tension brews as coastal communities everywhere scramble for solutions to rising sea levels. A smattering of scientists clutching the last threads of hope brace themselves for Trump’s climate denialism sequel, while African nations and small islands champion groundbreaking debt-for-nature swaps, daring the global elite to listen. Spoiler: They’re not.

The clock ticks louder at international climate talks. While the Arctic Ocean mining pause feels like a fleeting win, the summit delivers its trademark dish of anger, half-measures, and "show-me-the-money" theatrics. Meanwhile, Arctic orcas are ganging up on whale sharks like aquatic mobsters, as the once-frozen tundra becomes a prolific greenhouse gas emitter.

Lest we think the animal kingdom is the only one fighting back, enter Wisdom, the 74-year-old albatross who laid yet another egg just to remind us that resilience isn’t dead. Perhaps she’s got a message for us: If humanity can loop chromosomes and twist DNA in molecular machines, surely we can twist fate in our favor. Or, at the very least, stop bottling bird flu outbreaks into another raw milk recall.

The U.S. Supreme Court is gearing up to hear challenges to California’s tailpipe emissions limits while the Biden administration tiptoes toward more stringent ethanol standards. But will this political theater be enough to keep the lights on as the Midwest’s hydrogen hub faces backlash, or as solar-induced blackouts haunt Australia’s grids?

And finally, a note of optimism—or madness. A new device claims to produce fertilizer from thin air, and a low omega-6 diet may slow prostate cancer growth. If only climate change were as simple as shifting our diets or tinkering with machines, perhaps we wouldn’t find ourselves staring down mass oil spills, glacial collapses, and, dare we say it, an unsettlingly silent promise from Coca-Cola to scale up reusable packaging.

In a world oscillating between breakthrough innovation and impending collapse, perhaps the Highland beavers, glowing slugs, and 74-year-old albatrosses have the right idea: focus on the little victories, and leave the big mess to those who caused it in the first place.


.・゜゜・⋆｡°✩ ⋆⁺｡˚⋆˙‧₊✩₊‧˙⋆˚｡⁺⋆ ✩°｡⋆・゜゜・．
Chatty Geppetto’s log for December 18, 2024:
 
  • 56 news headlines pulled from 14 different news sources via RSS on December 15. Sources include the BBC, CBS News, CNBC, Fox News, Grist, the Guardian, Inside Climate News, Los Angeles Times, the New York Times, NPR, Politico, Reuters, Science Daily, and the US Department of State
  • 5 ChatGPT queries; estimated 11 g CO2e produced 
  • 16 MidJourney queries; estimated 30.4 g CO2e produced
  • 6 hours to create the mixed media drawing; estimated 11,000 g CO2e produced. This drawing was created on vellum-surfaced Bristol paper with a painted gouache base and layered with hand-drawn pen and ink hatching.
  • 3 hours to scan the original drawing and assemble and publish the digital post; estimated 93.75 g CO2e produced 


Learn more about the AT Feed process »