Welcome to the AT Feed, a satirical mash-up of current climate news headlines, exaggerated AI interpretation, and pen-to-paper hand drawing.
(Almost) everything you need to know about current environmental news is (basically) here.
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July 8, 2024 [Summer pilot, test 4]
Rotten Egg Planets and Radioactive Rhino Horns Intrigue Public
In a universe brimming with remarkable events and mind-boggling discoveries, the latest news offers a veritable feast for the senses. From planets that reek of rotten eggs to rhinos receiving IVF help from their zoo cousins, it's clear that reality has taken a delightful detour into the absurd.
In the skies above, a miracle eagle chick has taken its first flight, inspiring awe and wonder. Not to be outdone, Mount Etna decided to put on a fiery show, spitting lava into the night sky like a pyrotechnic enthusiast at a rock concert. And as if that weren't enough celestial excitement, a harmless asteroid is set to whiz past Earth today, providing skywatchers with a prime opportunity to spot this cosmic traveler.
On the ground, scientists are racing to unravel the mystery of deaths and illnesses plaguing Florida's fish population. Perhaps the fish are merely protesting the news that rhino horns are being injected with radioactive material to curb poaching. After all, who wouldn't be a little miffed about such radioactive revelations?
Speaking of environmental oddities, the weather in the UK is definitely not being manipulated, despite the best efforts of conspiracy theorists everywhere. Instead, we have the good old-fashioned heatwave to thank for the record-breaking temperatures. In fact, the US is experiencing a 'potentially historic' heatwave, threatening more than 130 million people and smashing records with abandon. It's so hot that even the palm and pine trees marking California's center are being cut down—not that they'll be missed in this scorcher of a summer.
Meanwhile, investors are salivating over attractive dividends from high-quality stocks, even as U.S. crude oil prices see-saw with the market's assessment of Tropical Storm Beryl's impact. Shell is taking a massive financial hit on its Rotterdam and Singapore plants, but hey, oil prices are rising again, signaling an uptick in demand. And just when you thought it couldn't get any weirder, scientists have unearthed a giant, fanged creature that predates the dinosaurs, alongside a remarkable new dinosaur species named Lokiceratops. Move over, T-Rex, there's a new king in town.
In the realm of the absurd, hypersexual 'zombie' cicadas infected with parasitic fungi are being collected by scientists. If that doesn't scream "nature's gone wild," what does? Meanwhile, NASA has managed to get Voyager 1 back online from 15 billion miles away, and the James Webb Telescope is enhancing technology from virtual reality to LASIK eye surgery. Oh, and did we mention that NASA's lunar orbiter captured images of a Chinese space probe on the far side of the moon? It's a small universe after all.
As if the planetary shenanigans weren't enough, the US is also grappling with extreme heatwaves, prompting President Biden to announce new heat rules as climate-related deaths rise. In a rare move, an Oregon county is seeking to hold fossil fuel companies accountable for extreme temperatures. At the same time, the White House is set to back tougher climate models for ethanol, while a federal judge blocks Biden’s pause on LNG export permits.
But wait, there's more! As heatwaves intensify, more public housing residents may get help with AC bills, and firefighters in border towns are scrambling to save migrants from the extreme summer heat. Amidst all this chaos, a beloved palm and pine tree marking California's center are being cut down, symbolizing the ongoing struggle against climate change.
And let's not forget the political theatre. Donald Trump claims to "know nothing" about Project 2025, while outrage brews over the Biden administration reinstating 'barbaric' Trump-era hunting rules. Meanwhile, a Democrat vying for West Virginia governor faces long odds against a Republican fossil fuel booster, and the Labour Party in the UK is trying to bring back Britain's green groove.
In the end, it seems we're all just bagged chickens in a world of sliced cheese, navigating the absurdities of existence one bizarre headline at a time. So, here's to the smelly planets, heroic rhinos, and the relentless march of human folly—may we never run out of stories that make us laugh, cry, and wonder what on Earth is going on.